Oh You Just THOUGHT You Had Seen Bizarre

There's a part of me that is just so not right. I know this. I take such delight in the absurd. I think the words "wickedly funny" should always go together.
So of course I love to be one-upped.
Tell me a joke that that I don't figure out the punch line halfway through, or even better; one that takes me a moment or two to get - I'll love you forever.
Show me something that makes me stop, focus, lean in slightly... then "oh.....my....god!". You've got me then. There are so many weird sites on the internet that you would think I would have reason to never leave the house.

If I can ever just reach down into my soul, find the Will and the Strength to truly believe, I will be able to join the Others who Worship the Great Holy Ones, The Holy Sea Monkey Gods on their Worship Homepage. I may NEVER have to leave the house again, ever...except maybe for a trip to the State "Happy" Hospital and the Thorazine Patrol.
Seriously though, there's a plethora of bizarre out there. But a girl's gotta be picky, you know? I mean, while I love the funny bizarre stuff, like discombobulated mystical heads, as far as news and "this-is-for-real" stuff, I only want the Honestly "this-is-real-stuff" Bizarre

I have no interest in the bullshit, fake, made up, photo-shop 3-headed woman who gave birth to the half mermaid baby or the "I Had The Best Sex of My Life with an Alien from Planet Wunhungloa"

I want reliable, backed up, Truly Unusual Weird. So, the following sites and information have been daniaspeak approved. Google anyone of them, AskJeeves them to death...call 411 if you want.

God I love getting the news...any news, really, but I can't get enough Bizarre News . These guys are great. One day I may show up at their door and just tell them that I've decided to work for them, whether they like it or not, and now where's my desk?

And while you might know that a chicken can live after its head has been cut off, did you know about Mike the Headless Chicken ? After his head was cut off he lived for YEARS. Yes...years. Poor bastard choked to death one day when he was being fed.
And wow are there some They-Were-Stoned-When-They-Came-Up-With-This festivals and events out there. I mean, how f*cked up do you have to be to look at your friends and say, "Guys, these corndogs are like, the best thing to like, ever happen, you know? We should do something to, you know, like, celebrate the corndog." Trust me, you know you have true friends when they look back at you through the haze of smoke and nod in agreement, "Right on, dude." And thus is born the Corndog Festival.
And that's just the proverbial tip of the iceberg. Sweet jesus and pope-on-a-rope, you could take a year off and plan a year-long vacation traveling around to some freaky festivals, bizarre events and sightseeing at strange collections.
Proud of your moustache and/or your beard? There's a World Championship for that. I'm not sure what they're proud of at the Testicle Festival
but I'll try anything once.
Now, while the whole idea of Interstate Mullet Tossing at the Florabama might be a little difficult to wrap around your brain, I can personally recommend this one. At least I can partially recommend it. The Florabama Bar, located on the state line of Florida and Alabama, right on the beach, has the best ruby red shrimp and draft beer on this planet. You don't tend to stay sober very long at the Florabama, so you should take a camera if you want an accurate record of how much fun you've had there.
Never mind, scratch that.

That's probably how several bizarre photos ended up on the internet in the first place.

Perhaps your bizarre tastes run a different direction. Then you should check out Toad Suck Days or something celebrating something about some Frozen Dead Guy Day .
I swear to god I'm not making these up. If any link doesn't work, it's because it's late right now , I'm reworking the code on 4 posts at once and I'm tired. Google anything though - it's there, promise.

And of course not everyone agrees on what BIZARRE truly is. It varies from one culture to another, and from one person to another. What's freaky weird strange to you may not be for me, and vice versa. For example: This guy here...your call. Bizarre? Not Bizarre?



See, I would have to go with Not Bizarre. And that's not from my San Francisco days. I've just been to way too many Mardi Gras parties in and around New Orleans (trust me, it's the parties leading up to Fat Tuesday that are freaky), and there are some things you see in the Deep South that truly do defy definition, and after time, cease to appear so bizarre. If the guy in the above picture was about 30 years older and riding a John Deere lawn mower instead of a motorcycle, that would be Mr. Fred. I used to live in the same town. We just didn't take pictures. It would have been rude. He wasn't bizarre...a little different, maybe, but he was old and it was hot and he had a big yard.

And then there's this example:

Now many, if not most of you out there, will see this photo and giggle or snicker, perhaps even laugh, and think to yourself "How the FUCK does someone manage to do something like this?" You're thinking to yourself that this is an extreme case of bad driving/bad parking...something that just goes against the laws of physics and credibility. Well, you want to know what I say?
I say Fuck You.
I say that this might not totally be the guy's fault. There could be a perfectly reasonable, logical explanation like he or she was already completely stopped, about to park when she unlatched her seat belt and pulled it across her chest, accidently knocking the tip of her cigarette off which then landed right next to her bare leg, making her jump, allowing the BURNING BALL OF EMBER to continue rolling unobstructed all the way to her thong-wearing ass and I'll be goddamned if anybody can tell the difference between the brake and the acclerator at that point EVEN IF YOU ARE DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE BIG DOUBLE GLASS DOORS OF THE KANGAROO MINI MART.

Ok, well...ahem...sorry. Now, where was I? Oh, bizarre, yeah. Well, no need to cover behavior, now is there?
But there are so many categories of "bizarre" and "unusual" and "what-the-f*ck?" beyond the staples of photos and festivals and events. Oh yeah, I'm an all-season kinda get-your-freak-on kind of girl. I love the miscellaneous bizarre and unusual too. Like a good yard sale? Then go check out The Longest Yard Sale in the World .
And I do have to admit that I quite often do not know where the line is, as James Spader's character says in Boston Legal, until I've crossed it, but god I can't help but love the L.A. Coroner's Office. Ok, maybe not so much the place itself, but the fact that they have a frickin GIFT SHOP. This, Skeletons in the Closet is just Wicked Shopping Nirvana. Oh hell yes. I would go so nuts in here. Please don't let me near this place with a credit card.
One of the miscellaneous bizarre I run across are books. I'm a book nerd, so it goes hand in hand that I might run across an unusual literary work or two. Hehe. It's so comforting to know that there's at least one person in the world who has definitely had a worse day than I've ever had. Seriously, if you write a book titled So Your Wife Came Home Speaking in Tongues? So Did Mine! then you've had at least one really shitty day.

I really can't go into the bizarre books on sex category, simply because it's way too easy and there are just way too many. Of course, there are some worth mentioning because they bridge seperate areas. I really enjoyed the helpful instructions and home-based business advice found in The Madam as Entrepreneur. Yeah, I bet that goes over really well at the Garden Club.


And Amazon.com has plenty of copies of "New Guinea Tapeworms and Jewish Grandmothers" if you would like a copy. I believe they also carry a few copies of other popular titles - especially for the do-it-yourself type. For example: The ever popular handyman's guide to "Do It Yourself Coffins For Pets and People". Now, nothing says "I Care" like a homemade coffin, does it?

VH-1 just did a special on famous people and the messed up names they give their kids. Believe me, there were some truly bizarre names. But the top name was ths poor kid, Pilot Inspektor. Don't even remember the parents - the dad was the celebrity, mom might have been a german model maybe. Pilot Inspektor. Makes Dania Elizabeth seem relatively dull.
I think if I decide to have a child, I'm going to name her/him Speak. Actually, Speak will be the first name, Up will be the middle name. Speak Up.
Can you imagine the therapy that kid will eventually need?
"Speak Up! Be quiet!"
"Don't talk back to me, Speak Up!"
"Hi (whomever we're meeting), I'm Dania and this is my daughter, ::smile, look at her, look back at person:: Speak"
Hell, the kid won't eventually need therapy, it'll be in therapy as soon as it can talk. It'll be a bonding experience.
Til the next bizarre time.